SUNDAY

People always ask me why I don’t go to church. The answer is simple; I just don’t feel like it’s something I’d genuinely commit to. There’s nothing wrong with people going, whether it’s to church, mosque, temple, or whatever. Everyone’s got their reasons. But me? I’d rather not pretend.

I know myself. I know I’m still going to do some dumbass shit at times. I know I’ll probably do things that go against the exact reason I’d be stepping into a place of worship in the first place. I get it. You repent, you pray, and you’re forgiven. Cool. But how many times are you going to repeat the same thing over and over? Sin heavily on Friday, get wasted on Saturday, and then on Sunday, post up as a child of holiness?

Even after going to church, some people still manage to go right back out and do the most on the same day they were asking for forgiveness. As if stepping in that morning wipes everything clean, and now it’s just a matter of raising the meter again, and then waiting for the following Sunday morning to reset it again.

I remember someone once told me, “Just come to church. It doesn’t matter what you did last night. God still wants you there.” I hear it. I understand the sentiment. But deep down, I couldn’t help but feel like it does matter. Not because I think I’m unforgivable, but because I don’t want to be play around with something that’s meant to be sacred.

If I am not even trying to grow properly in faith, then what am I really doing there? I get that sometimes it takes regular appearances in church to build a habit. But what if I’m just building the habit of going without actually doing anything to change my behaviour or move away from sin?

It’s not even about having bad intentions. It’s not like I plan to go out and sin on purpose. But I’m not naive to who I am either. I know my mindset. I know what stage of life I’m in. And I know that right now, I’m not in a space where I can fully commit to it. I respect people’s faith too much to play with it.

Some people treat church like a reset button. They think if they show up, they’ve done their part. That doesn't seem like someone who is truly faithful. It’s just a routine. It makes you feel like you’re doing something, even when you’ve got completely nothing to show for it.

I’ve got too much respect for the process to treat it like a minor hobby. I’m not showing up just to clear my conscience, especially if I don't feel like I’m doing much to even change certain behaviours.

So no, I’m not going to church just to tick a box and say, “I went to church this Sunday, how come I didn’t see you there?” If I ever step into that space, it will be because I’m actually ready to change and commit, not just to look like I am.

Until then, I’ll keep it real with myself. Being honest about where I’m at mentally is better than pretending.